* Ahem, I mean vanilla cream-filled chocolate sandwich cookies.

After recently ingesting some Oreos(TM)(R)(C), my stomach sent a message to my cerebellum. It read:

Head of Ingestion Discretion:

It has come to our attention that the recently ingested substance [OREO-345B] has at present no known use within the Nutritional Code currently installed in the Digestive System. The substance will be quarantined in lower extremity holding cells until its use may be identified.

Suggest discontinuing ingestion until use is determined.

Asst. Nutritional Analyst

In defiance of inter-departmental memos, I continued ingesting. The next notice was quite decisive.

Head of Indigestion Discretion:

Discomfort Alerts have been activated in response to ingestion of substance OREO-345B. Continued ingestion of substance OREO-345B is not recommended.

Asst. Nutritional Analyst

This upstart Henry had probably been paying attention to the various treatises of Michael Pollan that I had been perusing. And Neil Gaimann’s/Terry Pratchett’s astute observation of the food products produced by Dr. Raven Sable, a.k.a. Famine, Horseman of the Apocalypse. Oh, and the amazing book Twinkie Deconstructed. You know, all the ideas about our food not actually being food but empty calories combined with sawdust, chalk, and polysorbatol 60.

Quite put out with the reaction of my digestive system to the good ol’ American classic cookie, I endeavored to produce a replica that would produce the satisfaction of an Oreo(TM)(R)(C) without the nutritionless, pseudofoodlike substances found in the Nabisco(TM)(R)(C) treat.

After some head-scratching and page-flipping, I decided to jump to and throw some classic cookie-ish ingredients together and see what came up. Uncanny as fate sometimes is, it WORKED!

Granted, these don’t taste precisely like Oreos(TM)(R)(C). I started out thinking, “Okay, what do Oreos taste like?” And then it really hit me: Oreos taste like Oreos. They don’t actually taste like any actual combination of any actual foods. That should have been Clue #1 for non-foodness factor. Giant Clue #2 was that there had been some Oreos in the cookie jar for a month that weren’t stale. Hrm. So I did my best to mimic texture and classic chocolate-vanilla flavors. I hope you too join the growing ranks of those who appreciate flavorful authentic cookieness.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Noël’s Awesome Oreos(TM)(R)(C)

  1. Cream ½ cup of butter with ½ cup of sugar.
  2. Mix in ½ cup baking cocoa and ½ teaspoon of baking soda.
  3. Mix in 1 egg, slightly beaten, ½ teaspoon of vanilla, and ¾ cup of flour.
  4. Roll the dough in plastic wrap and CHILL for at least an hour.
  5. Roll the dough out on a well-floured cutting board. Cut into rounds using a floured shot glass.
  6. Bake for 10 minutes in a 375°F oven. Cool completely.
  7. Cream ¼ cup of butter with 2 teaspoons vanilla, 1 ½ cups powdered sugar, and 1 tablespoon cornstarch.
  8. Roll frosting into balls and gently smoosh between two chocolate cookies.
  9. Serve with milk. Makes 3 dozen sandwich cookies.

These will be very easy to turn into Mystic Mints(TM)(R)(C) (my father’s favorite Christmastime cookie) by dipping them in mint chocolate fudge. You can easily color the frosting, mold the top of the cookies, or poke holes in them (the very first things my parents said – separately, mind you – was “There aren’t any holes!”)

Let me know if you find a way to make them even better!